Mid-life crisis, anyone?

The reason I wrote the last entry was so this one had some context. I'm 36.5 years old which seems young for a mid-life crisis, yet the other day I saw something that gave piqued my interest. I subscribe to an Illinois State Bar Association newsletter which, among other things, clips "news items" of interest to lawyers. Included in that clipping one day about three weeks ago was this gem. And for some reason I read it and I went... I paused over it and thought that it looked interesting.

My dilemma anytime I think about career options is that I have this debt for law school among other things. I need my salary to pay it off. My family needs my salary to get by. I can't just take off for retraining whether it was in forestry or architecture or anything, because the world would fall in. I am trapped and I think it is slowly ruining my health. My blood pressure is up. I have ever worsening heartburn. I have trouble sleeping. I'm probably borderline depressed and I am tired all the time. And I'm just waiting for ulcers. Yet, I don't feel as if I have a choice, nor do I know what I really want to do "when I grow up."

There was a time when I was waiting forever for my Illinois license (which is a soap opera in and of itself) when I got a part time job counting trees. It was work for a forestry company who did inventory & analysis of urban tress for cities. It was January. It was cold. And it was wonderful. No arguments. No getting stressed out at opposing counsel. No explaining to clients that they couldn't have what they wanted. Just me and some trees.

And so I saw this thing and looked at it. Then I thought about it. Then I looked at it again. Then I googled online MLS programs. Printed off some stuff and sat down to read it. About this time I had a small "eureka" moment. I thought about what it would be like to not have to deal with the stress of opposing counsel, litigation, clients, etc., and I had this surge of raw emotion. I get it now even writing this. It is a profound sense of relief and of freedom. Of longing. I knew then: I hate my job.

Don't get me wrong, there are things I enjoy... I think. I enjoy researching an interesting legal issue. I enjoy winning cases or arguments. I enjoy writing what I think is a really good brief. when it's muggy and 90 degrees outside, I enjoy being indoors. I enjoy having a lot of control over my time off and schedule. And I like the people I work with. But over all, I think I hate my job.

So I went and found out some stuff about getting a Masters in Library and Information Science. Illinois has the top program in the nation and for me the tuition was in-state. The University of Washington has the top ranked Law Librarian program, but it is not available on-line. The programs at Pittsburgh and Drexel also looked good. (For those of you keeping score at home, remember one of my primary criteria is the ability to attend all or most of the classes on-line because I need my job.) Obviously, Illinois has to be on the short list, but, given all the above, is it the only item on the list? Most programs cost $32K and up, but I can attend Illinois for around $17K dues to in-state tuition. Both Pitt and Drexel would be in that 30K+ range. Of course tuition will go up and those numbers are based on current tuition rates. Add to this that per U.S. News, librarian is one of the top careers of 2008.

What does that mean? I'm afraid it means that getting into my own state's MLIS program will be double tough, because being #1 means they will get more applications AND being a top career means more people will apply. I don't know if having a JD or being a resident will help me. I'm wishing I had done better in law school or graduate school, but that's water under the bridge.

But here's the rub. I tried being a graduate student and abandoned it for being a lawyer. Now I'm sick of being a lawyer. Do I even know what I want to be? I don't want to drift through life from career to career as one of those people who can't stick with anything. It costs money to get a MLIS, money I'd have to borrow, and I am already in debt from law school and other things. Will be for about 30 years. Before adding more debt, I really ought to be sure, don't you think? But how can I?

Half of what I read on the MLIS pages from all the 56 schools that are ALA accredited to teach it, I am not sure how to translate. For example, "Informatics" is a buzz word in this profession that I'm still not sure I'm translating correctly. I'm not entirely sure what one does with an MLIS anyway beyond the ubiquitous "work in a library." (By the way, I've never worked in a library so add that to your mental list. Actually, in college I was on the committee that selected fiction books for our college library. I have to take some of that back.) From what I've read there is much more to the degree than shelving things. The I in MLIS includes how we store information, how we think about it, how we learn things, how you get information to those who need/want it, and so forth. The programs also include archiving (everything from rare books to government records), special collections, children's programs, and so forth. It includes WEB DESIGN and NETWORKING. When I first saw that first article, my thought was that researching was one of the parts of my job I still enjoyed, but this... this is so much more than researching. Will I like it? For another 17-40K, I'd better. Yes, I find myself gunshy.

Library and Information Science is a nexus between communication, computer science, and psychology. As an undergrad, I majored in communication and was one course shy of a major in computer science. Parts of LIS would seem to be right up my alley. My sister, who has known me all her life, thinks I'd be a good fit. She has an English Ph.D. from Illinois. My wife, who works in a library, hasn't said whether or not she thinks I'd be a good fit for the work, but she is interested herself.

Then there is the firm. They have been very good to me, really. Very good. Bob needs me. I don't want to feel like I have abandoned them and I don't want them to feel that way either. There is also my father who was so proud the day I graduated and the day I passed the bar. He's glad that I have "proven" I can stick with this. He's said as much. I don't want to disappoint him either.

How can you be 36, dissatisfied with your work, and not really know what you want to do other than, well this looks interesting? Should I or shouldn't I? Would I enjoy it? Is it right for me? How do I know without trying it?

Aren't I too young for a mid-life crisis?